Good morning. There have been a couple of Mondays pass by since I last wrote. I have not gotten into a rhythm, a habit, a daily must with this idea of a blog. Although I started journal-ling 10 years ago, I have yet to share that sacred secret place of my heart and mind. There are two tall metal shelves behind me and on those shelves are numerous notebooks and loose leaf pages filled with my words. Most of them are desperate and repetitive, prayers offered up on behalf of my family and friends, poetry, questions and answers to those questions and potential sermons. But overwhelmingly the majority of my writings are prayers offered up on my own behalf. Prayers of pleading and begging , God change me, God help me, God I am broken, please put me back together. Journal-ling every morning allowed me to pour out my heart to God as I diligently sought him, where are you ? Who are you? Do you really exist? I challenged God to prove himself to me. I said, if there is a God and if that God wrote a book called the bible then that God should be able to prove his existence to me through his book. I then added , I will not ask another man, woman, preacher, teacher nor read another book about God. I have lived long enough to understand that regardless of how good our intentions, we are people and therefore fallible. We form opinions and draw conclusions and then set them up as doctrine. I had grown tired of mans opinions including my own.
Its not that I wasn't already a confessing, baptized, daughter of a preacher, christian. It was that I had none of the fruits that were promised in the bible, the fruit of the Holy Spirit. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control, Galatians 5:22-23. I was also quite taken back by the words I read in the book of Matthew. “Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, ' I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers!' Matthew 7:21-23 I was struck as if a stone had hit me in the head, I was one of the many! Jesus did not know me. How could he know me if I did not know him? Well of course I knew of him and of course he knew of me but we had not come to a relationship of truly knowing one another. It was at this point ladies and gentlemen and great cloud of witnesses that I was determined to know and to be known. I set out on a journey to seek God and to find him, to knock on the doors of heaven until he answered and to ask him all my questions and wait in faith for his answers. I am grateful beyond words to God for he is faithful and he has done great things. I am humbled and delighted to share my journey with you. In my first blog I said I would begin on Monday. Allow me to call today Monday, even though it is Tuesday. Let me call this the beginning for I think I am ready now to embark upon this task of writing out loud, not in the privacy of my home, on my couch , with my coffee, tissues and tears, but here with you. I will write the sacred and the secrets of my heart and mind for me and for you. For to be set free from the power of sin and death, to be filled with the knowledge of the truth and not to share has become very hard. I pray that God will be glorified in this work of writing for he is worthy of all praise.
I want to add that I have a son, Ben and a friend Marsha who are great at grammar and they have both volunteered to edit my blog writing. I have to confess however that I write before dawn and I do not have the patience to wait for them to wake up and edit everyday before I can publish. So please bear with me as I am challenged with commas and run on sentences. I am happy to report that the words should be spelled correctly because I do have spell check but otherwise its the luck of the draw. Perhaps I will call upon one of these two brilliant people to help me along the way.
I have run out of excuses and i have stopped running around in circles. This is a marvelous occurrence, something I have never experienced but only saw from a distance. Like faith, we hope for a vision or dream or promise given long before its even possible. Faith however isn't hope in whats possible, is it? That is the question I have pondered time and again, what is faith? Is it believing the possible or the impossible?
Hi, my name is Stacey Lavonne Skinness , my maiden name was Stacey Lavonne Treadwell, my artist signature is Stacey t. I share all three of my names with you because each name represents me, the me I was, the me I am and the me I aspire to be. In my life I have always gone in circles, various size circles, simultaneous and at times overwhelming. I cannot know where i will end up in this story , nor where i will start or even find myself each day . I do know that if I wait to know how to begin I will never start. In fact this morning, January 3, 2019, I said to Brian my husband, “ honey, I am scared to start writing and I have run out of reasons not too”. So instead of doing what he suggested starting today, I decided to run to a near by town to buy bread, meet with the artist at the art league and shop the thrift store. I really shouldn't start at the end of a week, but the beginning I told honey. I will start Monday I said , as I headed out the door. I returned to the office by 1:30 pm. Hmmm....okay so what shall I do now? I busied myself watering plants, washing dishes, making the bed, cleaning up all the water on the floor from over watering the plants. I then packed up and got ready to leave. “ I am ready to go to the house when you are honey,” I herald. Yeah, I know its only 2:30 in the afternoon on a work day. “ Ah..oh ah, well okay then , will you set me up on my computer with another category for writing, please.” So honey did and he did it quick and he titled it January 2019. I told him I wanted him to title it, he had after all titled the others for me, short prose, long prose, one liners. Brian is a wonderful man, concise and to the point. I am much more expansive and wordy. I was thinking of titles like, breaking through the wall of fear or behold all things are new! Grand statements, declarations that state exactly how I feel at the door of this task. Why am I doing this dreadful task of writing? No one is holding me at gun point demanding I write a best seller and write it perfect without the help of an editor. So I ask myself why do I sit here in front of this computer to write when I have maybe spent at the most 5 hours total on a computer my entire life. Yes I am one of those, those who do not have a microwave or cable and I begrudge the cell phone on my desk. I am one of those people who are so behind the main stream that I don't even know how to excess the website that my honey put up for me. So ladies and gentlemen and great cloud of witnesses, these are the tip toe steps forward for me. May God in his great love lead me beyond these fortified walls of fear that I now face. I think I will end here today and Lord willing and if the creek don't rise I will be back here at the beginning, Monday.